Kids Say the Damndest Things

Anyone with kids knows that children are like little parrots, and for some reason, they cannot remember to do their chores or the lecture you just gave them, but they sure as sh*t can remember those bad words we drop.

 

There are times where this will have you racing for the bathroom trying not to pee on yourself from hysterical laughter, and other times that you are in such shock that you’re restraining yourself from slapping them right across the mouth.

 

Here are seven instances where I laughed, cried, and had to walk away.

 

Embarrassing 

My first encounter with this was when my daughter, M, was about 2 or 3.  You know that fun age when your kid won’t leave you alone when you’re in the bathroom and insists on being with you whenever you’re in there.  Being a woman, I have certain monthly dragons to slay and the proper equipment to do so with.  She likes to tell me that my Always with Wings looks like cheese because of the orange packaging.  Armed with this knowledge we are at the grocery store one day, and are walking down an aisle passing a particularly attractive man.  My daughter is goofy grinning and in passing the stranger smiles and says hello to her.  For no reason whatsoever, my daughter feels the need to say, “My mom puts cheese in her pants.”  I died on the inside and don’t think I ever went to that particular grocery store again.

 

First Bad Word

M is attending a private school and learning her basics when she is first enrolled.  To help teach with the alphabet, they turned it into a game using sounds and word association.  Let’s start with, “A is for apple…a-a-apple.”  Sounds simple enough, right?  Leave it to my daughter to get to the D’s with, “D is for damn it…d-d-damn it.”  Snickering when you hear this does not get you nice looks from the school, but come on, loosen up, that was funny!

 

Not holding back that anger

Several years later we’re on our way home after I picked her up from school, and my daughter asked me for something.  I cannot remember what this was now, but I said “no.”  That’s when I got my very first…”Go to hell!”  Wow!  It took every bit of my will power not to drive into oncoming traffic.  She’s lucky we were driving, had we not been, that could have ended badly.  This was not a cute and funny voice, but wielded the attitude of a teenager in the form of a small child.

 

Protruding body parts

The damnation of me to hell was the same year my daughter came home with her St. Patrick’s Day project from school.  They were given a paper with S-A-I-N-T P-A-T-R-I-C-K-S D-A-Y written across the top, and the assignment was to mix the letters around to spell new words.  This fun little assignment resulted in the following: day, saint, pat and the kicker….dick.  Well, it is a word, and though I’m not sure where she learned that one, I died of laughter bringing that home.  Proud mom moment!  She’s got my sense of humor.

 

The dreaded “B” word

On a lazy weekend, my little one was lounging around on the couch playing on her kids’ V-Tech something-or-other.  M is playing a game with some kind of little animal that she’s supposed to find when I hear what stopped my in my tracks, “come here you silly little b*tch.”  I know, right?!?!?!  It’s not what she said, but how she said it; like the way adults baby-talking to a newborn baby or a puppy.  J and I looked at each other, surely we did not hear this right.  Then she repeats the phrase…we had to walk outside as we couldn’t hold back the laughter.  It was so innocent in the way it was said and she didn’t have the slightest clue what it meant or that it probably shouldn’t be said.  Naturally, yes, this did result in a talk when I could compose myself that it was a bad word that should not be repeated until she was an adult.  

 

This brings us to round two of using the B word.  For a few years, there was a girl in school with my daughter that was a year ahead of her, but they had the same class most of the time.  In a small private school with few kids, classes are combined some years.  This other girl was a bully of sorts.  I feel a little bad saying this, but this child made my daughter hate school and had her in tears more times than not.  During this girls’ last year at the school, something had happened that pushed my little one too far and she dropped that word to her.  Of course, when I picked her up from school the teacher had a talk with me about it, so commencing round two of the use of bad words at school on our ride home.  When she told me who the other child was, I honestly couldn’t disagree with the choice of word.  This girl was mean, and even in front of me on several occasions.  As a parent, you know you have to bite your tongue sometimes, especially with other children present.  So begins the speech of explaining why name calling still wasn’t the right thing to do, especially at her age.  A little taken back, she tells me, “I didn’t say you are a B, all I said was B.”  Smart girl, you found a loophole.  Presently we have had no repeated instances of this.

 

Death to mom

Recently, M was having trouble with some math homework and getting very frustrated.  She can usually whiz right through things quickly, but with math, you need to slow it down, pay attention and focus to get the right answer.  She’s doing addition and subtraction of three digit numbers and multiplication.  She hates math.  Things are boiling over and her and I are both getting upset; her at the homework, and me with her because she’s trying to guess her way through it so she can move on to playing.  At the peak of the insanity, she yells at me, “I will kill you!”  Child of mine, you’re lucky I didn’t throw you out of the window the very second you yelled that at me, but I still love you.  She had later this night also combined that phrase with, “I wish I had a different mommy” and “I hate my life!”  A little extreme for math, but we all have bad days.  Little one, you have not a clue that life has not truly began to f*ck you yet, but you’ll learn in time.  There will be far worse things than math that come your way.

 

Expressing clear disappointment in your choices

Most recently, I am eating lunch at work.  I’m fishing something out of my purse when I find a sandwich in there.  My sweet little M had made an extra sandwich and put it in there for me.  Wow, I’m overcome with what a sweet gesture this was, but I had already opened up the lunch I packed and had started eating it.  I offered the sandwich to a colleague and friend of mine, A, who happily accepted.  On the way home, A calls me to tell me something that had happened at the office with a client after I had already left for the day.  She hears M in the car and tells her that her sandwich she made was good.  M stares at me through the rearview mirror and pronounces, “well apparently I can’t trust you with food, mom.”  

 

Finding the humor…and not so much

Kids will never cease to amaze you with the things they say, whether those things are good or bad, they happen.  Most of it you can laugh at, and some of it you will have to walk away from before you say or do something even worse than what your child just said.  Take it as it is, find the humor, or at the very least, another reason to mom-lecture them and watch them roll their eyes at you.